Today is a sad day. Today marks 10 years since my mother passed away. I wish I could say something romantic, like she died peacefully, or she died surrounded by her family. But I don't know, I wasn't there. I carried a lot of guilt over that for quite awhile, maybe I still do, I don't know that either. Somedays are sad....not really that I miss her now, but that I miss the life I used to have, the one she was a part of. The truth is, I don't know what my mother would have been like for the grown-up me. I only know the mother she was for the 17-year-old me, and earlier, because that's where it ended. I wish I had asked more questions, written down her recipes, asked her write in the mother/daughter journal she once bought me...while I had the chance.

The more time I spend with my dad, the more he tells me stories of my mother. How she spoon-fed a baby so fast, there wasn't time to make a mess out of it. That she kept the house immaculately clean...until she had 4 kids and I guess enough was enough. That he could call her from work and ask her to pack everything up for a waterskiing trip - and she could have it totally planned and packed by the end of the day. That she would "go to bat" for anyone and Heaven help the person who ever decided to pick on one of us. I remember the fun we had with my mom as we got older. One Easter we were dyeing eggs and singing Oldies a capella in the kitchen - and then a friend came by and could hear us from the front porch. I think she secretly loved that I was so hard on the girls hanging around the house - she certainly let it go on. I don't know if she really loved the revolving door that was our house, but she certainly welcomed anyone and everyone walking in.

I can only daydream about the mother she would be now. What kind of Grandma would she be? Would she travel back and forth to visit us all? I suppose it's easy to fantasize the happiest of circumstances. Would she have been able to prevent the dissolution of our family? Would she have been the common factor, keeping us all in touch, helping resolve our differences? Maybe, maybe not. It sure doesn't seem fair that we didn't get to find out for ourselves, but I do have faith that someone knows the answers and it's OK that I don't right now. Today was a sad day. I've mourned not only for my mother, but for the family I used to have.